what to do indeed...

I use to post here often to let off a bit of steam and vent a bit, but after a year or two of that i realized two things:

• anyone on the internet could read this journal if they wanted to, so putting my explicit thoughts and emotions in a public domain wasn't really a smart idea
• anyone on the internet who could/does read this journal doesn't give a FUCK about me, my problems, or what I have to say

I used my internet friends to vent all of my anger and depression on because it's  easy to confess your problems to someone hundreds of miles away who doesn't even know your real name. but as time goes on the people you once knew as "friends" eventually turn into those people who sign onto msn set to "appear offline" or "busy" and they get deleted. at the moment i have 28 people on my list and I only  talk to 8 or 9 of them regularly. All the others just ask me to help them do stuff, or maybe say hi once or twice a month. Hell,even out of those 8 people, i feel like a handful of them only talk to me because they know that if they don't talk to me i'll delete them, so they might initiate a conversation once or twice a month when they're bored, but even when we do talk it seems like they want the conversation to die, but i digress...

So I have 28 people on my list and that number gets smaller every time i have a bad day where i'm in the mood for deleting people from my life  (like Till) and i'm running out of people to talk to. I'd talk to myself but that turns into a cry-fest quicker than the brown fox can jump over the lazy dog. I've debated coming back to LJ, but i'm to paranoid of the internet these days; and writing my thoughts in a physical diary is just asking for someone in the house to catch me slippin and just completely expose my life. weither that's good or bad is up  to debate.

*siiiiigh*

I just had one of those "fuck, this is pointless" moments

I don't understand life, i really don't. how the hell can all of these assholes have so many friends, and then when i count my friends with my hands i can't even get past my middle finger like yeah, I have friends that i hang out with, but i wouldn't DARE talk to them about matters as sensitive as this, they're simply too shitty of friends to disclose feelings to. But it's like i can't stop hanging out with them, cause if i do then i would have no friends and that would suck...right?

i think about that all the fucking time. what if not having any friends isn't as bad as it seems. it would be nice to not have to worry about if your friends would laugh at you over stupid shit, or if they'll forget to call you back like they always do, and when they do, all they want to know is how much money you have and how much you're willing to give them. but at the same time, i wonder "what if I don't even know what a friend is?" what if it's like those abusive relationships where the girl is only attracted to men who beat her because that's all she's ever known. what if I'm so use to being the doormat of the group that everyone can walk all over because he's the only one with enough sense to realize that fucking punching someone in the jaw doesn't solve anything.

I'm gonna try isolation for a few weeks and see if that'll do any good. just cut friends (including facebook, msn, and txting) out of my life for a bit and see if it makes me feel better

fuck all you assholes